Dudley, Harry and Vernon's Heart Attack
by Anendros
Summary: After Vernon's Heart Attack, Dudley and Harry are left at Privet Drive. How will they get over their boredom? Will Vernon survive? And what about Petunias garden?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! Thanks for clicking on my story! This is my very first fanfiction, please review and leave as nuch constructive critique as possible, the more something can be improved, the more it can be enjoyed!**

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling and a bunch of other companies own these characters, I do not!**

**Dudley, Harry and Vernon's Heart Attack**

In Privet Drive Number 4 it was a perfectly normal Saturday morning.

Since it was the Summer holidays, Dudley was at home and enjoying his overflowing third bowl of breakfast cereal while reading a Garfield comic strip, which he didn't understand the joke of. Vernon was looking at the daily Newspaper, complained about an escaped convict he, if he would be in charge, would have executed on the spot("Mass murdering Maniacs can't ever be trusted!") and Petunia clutched her cup of coffee while nervously observing a few birds, many of them far too close to her most precious flowers.

"Vernon Dear, when did you say Marge was coming to visit us? Next week?" Petunia asked, thinking about the vicious pet she would bring along and its unquenchable desire to turn the garden into a battlefield. But then again, the Freak should earn his keep and getting him traumatized for the rest of his life was always an enjoyable thought.

"Yes, Friday at 4 in the afternoon, if someone doesn't jump in front of the train", Vernon replied without looking up from the paper. The entire morning he had a tight, pressing feeling in his chest but it was probably nothing.

"Dudley, what are you going to do today? Do you want to go somewhere?", the man asked his son who was, with a face that nearly looked as if it was concentrating, staring at his comic. He was very proud of the boy, although his weight had already pushed 3 chairs beyond breaking point. They were of cheap built anyway, and the boy was outgrowing Vernons yearly vertical achievements in the horizontal, so he needed to eat.

"Uh, I don't know… Piers is in London and Malcolm travelled somewhere with his family, a country called… Atlantis…no, Antarctica… no Australia, that was it! The other mates are gone too, I don't know where", Dudley responded, using all the brainpower he could muster.

"So, do you want to…", Vernons voice started to faint, his eyes grew wide and he slammed his hand against his chest," Oh God…I can't… My heart! …", he collapsed and tumbled from his chair. The collision of Vernon and the Floor caused an old lady, that was walking her dog outside the Dursley residence to throw herself on the ground and have a World War 2 flashback while Dudleys breakfast bowl jumped directly into his face.

"Vernon? VERNON!", Petunia screamed and rushed to his side. Dudley took a few seconds to register what happened, as his brain needed to recharge and didn't know why his vision had a milky white tint. His mother started to press repeatedly on the chest of her unresponsive husband and, when her pounding didn't receive a reaction from the man, went into full hysteria.

"Dudley, help me bring Dad to the car, the ambulance won't make it in time!", she shouted at the boy. He wanted to giggle at the suggestion (After all, what was Freak for?), but didn't dare as he saw the look in his mothers eyes. He grabbed the arms while she took the legs and they pushed and pulled him out of the house and to the car. Would someone have seen it, it would be considered a herculean feat. With Petunias adrenaline fueled and Dudleys fear-induced strength, they managed to heave Vernon into the Backseat.

After she closed the door, she turned to Dudley: "Dudley, I cant take you along to the hospital, you have to watch the house! Do you understand? Don't tell anyone what happened now, anyone! I will call here once we are at the hospital!", Petunia drilled into a sweating and panting Dudley. When he seemed to understand although it was hard to tell, she got into the car and drove away, leaving tire marks on the road.

After watching the car speed of and see Vernon fly of the backseat and into the roof as it raced over the speedbumps, Dudley went back inside and headed straight for the freshly refilled Ice Cream Freezer, which was its only purpose.

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For Harry Potter it was a fairly normal Saturday, although only he would call it normal.

At 7 AM his uncle opened the door to his room, which was so well secured it would have made Slytherins Chamber go red with shame. Hedwig noticed the ruckus, screeched at Harry and Vernon and flew out the window. In a very nasty way he got awoken(It involves Vernons fist and Harrys privates), pulled out of bed and was, in the loving way only a family knows, kicked down the staircase. The orders to wait until his uncle came down and then he would make breakfast were told to him. Meanwhile his uncle went into his room, shut the windows, broke the Geneva convention with chemical warfare by utilizing all the gas stored inside his intestines, giggled to himself and closed the door. Then he went to the bathroom, released all the fluid and solid matter that didn't pay the rent, couldn't be bothered to wash his hands, noticed an unpleasant feeling in his chest and strolled down the staircase, grabbed his nephew by the throat and pulled him into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, Harry had years of training when it came to cooking, since early childhood he was used as a private chef by his relatives. He didn't get to eat what he cooked, the leftovers were reserved for him, if there were any and if those didn't have to much saliva or other non-digestible objects in or on them.

"If you mess up the breakfast, Boy, then you will regret it! And don't even think about using magic or any tricks to help you! You filthy freak! Lazy and crazy, that's what you are! (A selfsatisfied smirk crept upon his face as he heard himself say a little, unintended and not very ambitious rhyme) You should be kissing my Arse for all that this family has done for you! And you're not doing that only because I don't want to be infected by you and your freakishness!", Vernon told him with a cold and contempt filled voice as Harry struggled to reach the top drawer of the fridge, where the bacon and eggs were.

With ease and in remarkably short time he cooked up enough food to feed an entire restaurant, or just the men of the Dursley family and ate his breakfast. It consisted of very old, moldy bread, rancid butter and a cup of water. In the meantime, Vernon went to fetch the newspaper and after reading the headline" **MASS MURDERER ESCAPED! BE CAREFUL AND ALERT!**" he told Harry "I do hope he gets you, you waste of space!". Harry replied:" Let's all hope for the best!" and both of them certainly did. After finishing he had to wash his plate and his uncle barked at him to get to his room.

After getting punched in the stomach and kicked in his room, he had to take a very deep breath which turned out to be a near fatal mistake. He coughed and his eyes began to tear, but he knew he had to open the windows or a terrible end would come upon him. Stumbling to the windows, he ripped them open and fresh air started to pour in which saved his life.

He really despised his uncle, especially after the man found out that he couldn't do magic outside of Hogwarts. Wouldn't it have been for the house elf Dobby and his well-meant but poorly executed Plans, he could have used the threat of magic against his relatives and lived a life of peace. Thankfully his only companion in Privet Drive, his pet owl Hedwig, survived Vernons warcrime and flew out the window to land on the roof of the opposite house to watch Harry with great interest and pity.

Finally, after writing a letter to Hermione, asking her how to obtain a lethal poison in his situation( he was certain she wouldn't give him any advice, Hermione was a very determined Humanist after all) he let his thoughts drift to his favourite past time activity: Writing and practicing speeches for the moment he would be out of this place and let abuse pour down upon his "family".

Beautiful thoughts involving Vernon, Dudley, Petunia and a very hungry Crocodile were suddenly interrupted by Petunia screaming "VERNON!". This was followed by noises that indicated something big and heavy being dragged over the floor, into a car which then sped off at an inappropriate speed for a residential area on Saturday morning.

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Dudley considered the Ice cream freezer to be his Treasure Chest, something he had to guard against friend and foe, or Vernon and Harry. A thick and heavy steel-chain, with two 5-digit combination locks were the measures taken by Dudley to ensure the continued safety of his most valued possession. Memorizing the 2 combinations took him an entire day, but it was absolutely worth it since not a single spoon of icy, sweet and sugary goodness had left his freezer. But now he was all alone, Harry was locked away in his room (or more precisely Dudleys spare room he graciously left to his cousin) and the Pillage and Plunder could begin.

Thoughts about his parents left his mind the same moment he opened the door and the sight of Chocolate-Brownie-Fudge Ice Cream greeted his eyes. A massacre involving 15 different flavors of Ice cream, a ridiculously large spoon and Dudley ensued.

After about half an hour the phone of Privet drive screamed to be noticed. Dudley, who was so covered with chocolate that most people would have found his look to be racist, heard those screams and feeling the need to do a good deed after his massacre, headed towards it.

"Hello? Dudley?"

"Who is this?" asked Dudley, very surprised and a bit frightened that the Phone knew his name.

"Dudley, this is mommy! Are you alright?" the phone answered.

"Mommy? Where are you? Why are you calling me?" Dudley asked, as he had genuinely forgotten what had happened in the morning.

"We are in the hospital, sweetie! Daddy is alright, he had surgery and is unconscious, he will wake up later! Is everything alright? Please tell me everything is alright!", a very distraught voice asked him.

Dudley had to understand the information he just received, resulting in a jump-start of his brain and after a few to many seconds, remembered what had happened and responded.

"Oh good, tell Dad I want a skateboard. I'm fine.", he answered and hung up.

Now he was faced with a choice. He could either go back to the sight of his crime or head towards the toilet, for a very much needed relief. He chose option number 2, mainly because he needed to get rid of unnecessary weight and then he remembered that he left the freezer open, which would result in something Harry would get the blame for and he would get a good laugh out of.

What followed, the rats of the sewer would call "The Rape of Plumbing". Its perpetrator would deny any and every blame and shift it to a wizard, who even with the use of magic didn't know how to get rid of it.

On his way back to the kitchen (the use of the toilet was hard work for Dudley and he needed energy) he came across Harrys room, although who the room belonged to was debatable.

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Harrys day got better the instant the deadly fumes left his room. Normally, Petunia would have burst into his room after breakfast and given him chores for a week, all due by the end of the day. While he was doing those chores, Dudley would have enjoyed himself by throwing a multitude of objects (Which were not limited to inanimate beings or solid, dry matter) at him, most of the time accompanied by a list of insults. Vernon would seek his company at random times during the day, mostly when commercial breaks were ruining his "very productive mental labour" and he needed to tell Harry why he was worthless, a waste of a good mans time and space, a freak and good-for-no-work-except-canonfodder addition to this household. Harry was very much used to this, yet he didn't like it one bit, not even a tiny part of one bit.

Today was different. The pre-breakfast work was all the same, yet there was no one at his door after his guards ate their breakfast. There wasn't even an indication that they were here, which was especially likely since the family car left in quite the hurry this very morning.

'This must be what Heaven is like', thought Harry while he was genuinely happy. 'I hope there is magic in the afterlife, maybe one of the ghosts at school knows'.

Briefly Harry thought about what Vernon had shown him in the morning and caught himself imagining the Mass Murderer blowing up the car with the entire Dursley family inside. Then he was interrupted by Hedwig, who was nibbling at his ear and had a letter and a package attached to her leg.

It was from Hermione and read:

_Dear Harry_

_Thank you for writing me, please do it more often, I am always so worried about you after all the things you told me about your family and their abuse!_

_Please, PLEASE consider a peaceful solution! Violence is not and will never be the Answer! Your relatives are horrible and you shouldn't live with them, but in the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity! Engage them with what they expect, it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate and then you show them your superiority. You don't battle with them, you show them that battling against you is futile and that it would only affect them! Make it so that even they will understand it! I cant give you an exact recipe for success, but if you give me more details, maybe I could…_

_And Thank you for writing to me first! If you wrote to Ron, he would probably recommended to burn the house down with them inside and that would have led to even more trouble!_

_I gave you a few cookies along the way so you don't starve!_

_Please write whenever you need to, I will help you as best as I can!_

_Good Luck! _

_Hermione_

_PS: If you have the opportunity, please tell Ron that I didn't mean to insult him by recommending a few books, Thanks!_

Harry had always thought of Hermione as a radical Pacifist, but this surprised him. She wasn't against Violence and War, she was against the prolonged use of it. A swift, precise and overwhelming showcase of potential to the right eyes at the right time, not even its use, were her methods. Yet he didn't complain and saw more and more sense in her arguments, so a plan would have started to form much sooner, if it weren't for the delicious cookies and the following interruption.

"BANG!" "BANG!" "BANG!"

The door quivered.


	2. Chapter 2

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"Open the door, Freak!", Dudley ordered. His hands were balled to fists and ready to strike Harry down.

"…Dudley? What do you want?", Harry answered.

"I want to beat you up, I'm bored!"

Harry sighed, his plan would have to wait. "Why don't you go out and beat up a few grade schoolers? They are far less likely to hit back, you know", although Harry was certain that Dudley knew that.

Dudley considered the option and came to the conclusion that, since Harry was just a locked door away and without any escape route, todays beating would stay in the family.

"No, they can run away, you can't", Dudley answered with a malicious voice. "And you're a freak, you deserve it far more! So open the door right now!"

The Boy-Who-Lived would rather have died than to be faced with this daily torture. His permanent headache, when at Privet Drive, started to get worse and developed into something Harry called "Dudley serious".

"Dudley, I don't know if you can count that high, but exactly how often has it happened that you had too much pressure inside of you, which in turn lifted you off the shitter and into the ceiling?" Harry asked, expecting nothing more than a confused grunt as a reply.

He did receive the anticipated reply.

"Not to worry, you might still learn those numbers", Harry mumbled. "Why don't you do something with Aunt Petunia or Uncle Vernon? Where are they anyway? I haven't received more than two death threats today, they're slacking off." Harry said to a finger counting and immensely confused Dudley.

Vague memories of a conversation with a phone that knew his name and a skateboard he wanted came to Dudleys mind. Then he remembered an unfunny Garfield comic and something very white and wet all over his face. His mother's eyes subduing his laughter and his Dad on the floor drooling were the next thing to surface. A very small amount of muscles, he received from beating up Harry and other smaller children, was still aching from the hard work that was the mass exodus of Vernon to the car and his mommy's harsh words to not tell anyone about what had happened.

After about 2 minutes Dudley answered:" I can't tell you, Mom said I'm not allowed. Now shut up and get out here so I can beat you up!"

From this, Harry deduced that something very outrageous must have happened. Normally Dudley told him everything, he had no friends and nobody in the neighborhood believed him due to a very effective Gossip sprouting warlord and her partner in crime. But his "Dudley serious" condition was not very happy with being ignored and delivered a surprise attack rivaling a direct look from Voldemort.

"Okay, Dudley, I cannot open this door. I am locked inside of this room, do you understand that? I can't get out on my own, if you want to beat me up you have to get the key and open the door by yourself. Can you do that?" Harry replied, wanting to get rid of the pain and seeing this as the quickest way to success. Maybe he could get a few punches at him, or throw something. It would result in a crying Dudley who would tell a very irate Petunia and a raging Vernon an exaggerated version of what had happened, which in turn would bite, kick, slap and burn his own behind so the plan of first strike was abandoned. Mobility and stealth were considered next, something Dudley lacked for five people.

Dudley knew where the keys where, he saw his father put them in his bedside table a few times and used them himself. Not only to beat up Harry but also to throw at pets, key cars and as knuckledusters.

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"What do you mean HE WILL BE MENTALLY IMPAIRED?" a very roused Petunia Dursley screeched at the overworked Nurse who brought the news. Two hours of waiting in a slightly unsanitary waiting room, at least for Petunias standards, only to be informed of such news were simply too much for her already weak heart. Her legs didn't respond to the commands she gave them and she sacked back in her chair, the fainting following shortly.

"For Gods sake, not during my shift", the Nurse said with a slight twitching developing near her left eye.

After a few light shakes and cooling air, Petunia regained her consciousness.

"Wha… Vernon will be retar… Not a second one, please no no no…" she started to sob and cried, for there was no more she could take. The 2 years of frustration she had to suck up into herself. The last 2 years of not being able to let her nephew take the brunt of everything, her nephew who was gone. Off to the place she so wished to visit, ever since her sister got invited. Having 10 years of everything her child lacked to blame on someone else, who had a sickness she so hoped for having herself.

Her own son not being able to read until he was…, well, he still couldn't really read. An utterly untalented and disgusting child, who was nothing but a bully. Dudley should have gone to St. Brutus, not Smeltings, she only agreed so that Vernon would be happy. He was nothing but a fat, little meatball that was as bright as a blackout.

And now her husband was the same. The only person who was a ledge to hold on for her, this anchor of hope was gone. He was the same as the spawn. Brutal and a Bully he was before, but only half as stupid as the boy. It didn't matter as long as he saw everything the way she saw it. Life was work and family, the fruits of your labor were the things you bought and owned. There was no such utter nonsense as magic, and if there were only Freaks and Lunatics would be using it, even if it was completely useless.

The nurse now sat beside her, patting and comforting her, pleading and bargaining to end her breakdown. The last thing she needed was to go home with such a disappointing end to her shift, it would make even a 15-year long veteran's day miserable.

"Now, now… it isn't so bad, he will still be able to eat on his own…"

"…Waaaaaa why meeeee…"

" …and even work should be possible…"

"…WHYYYYY MEEEEEeeee…"

"at least for a few hours per day. There is even therapy and it's not the end of the world, the Doctor will tell you more later", the nurse was trying to tell her in a comforting way, or at least as best as she could, the wailing already gave her Tinnitus on the left ear.

After ten minutes, Petunia had stopped crying and was staring at the floor. Her eyes were empty and unfocused. Her thoughts drifting from her husband to her child to her nephew and back to her. Life was unfair, so very unfair.

'Why me? Why? Why!' her thoughts entered a Maelstrom of self-pity and hatred of magic, how her sister and nephew were at fault for all the problems and everything that was not to her liking.

'What now? What do I tell Dudley? Maybe the Freak and his magic can fix Vernon, yes they probably can… they can' and an image of Harry and his cursed scar fixated in her mind. 'He will pay. He will pay for everything. Yes, all is his fault, his and the fault of my so very, always perfect sister and her good for absolutely nothing, filthy Husband and their dirty, disgusting magic.' Towers of black storm clouds were seen all over Britain the following hour.

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"Alright Dudley, you have me now. Or should I call you Big D? Double D? Lord Duddlemort?" Harry asked. Dudley was standing in the door, his baseball bat held in one hand and his spiked whip in the other.

"I am warning you Dudley, you don't want to do this! There will be consequences Mommy and Daddy won't be able to stop!" Harry told him with a slight panic in his voice. He had to improvise.

"What are consequences and why can Mom and Dad not stop them?" Dudley asked as he stepped into the room, still intent on playing one of the guards his Granddad Heinrich Dursley was during some War he told him about.

"Consequences means that things will happen to you, that not even Mom or Dad can stop! Do you remember 2 years ago, when that giant man gave you a pigtail? Much worse than that!" Harry screamed in terror as he dodged Dudleys bat.

Dudley stopped at that. "What? How much worse? What will you do?" he asked. Hagrid and his "prank" were still present in Dudleys mind, one of the few things that were burned in for eternity. "Tell me! What's going to happen? Tell me or I'll beat you up!"

'Merlin's merry Arse, how is this possible?' Harry thought as he marveled at Dudleys logic.

"Okay. OKAY! I'll tell you, just please don't beat me up!" Harry managed to negotiate with Dudley.

Dudley was ready to strike, but managed to wait for Harry to finish talking.

"If you beat me up now…, I will make everything you eat until you die taste like vegetables! You know zucchini, the thing you took a bite of and were sick for three days afterwards!" Harry managed to improvise.

Dudley dropped his instruments of pain and had a Flashback.

_1987, Dudleys Age:7_

_Little Dudley was sitting at the Lunch table, trying to devour 19 Chicken Nuggets at once. Vernon was reading the sports section of the newspaper and said a few bad and naughty words about a football team. His mother was on his right and watched him with a concerned expression, while eating one of her 3 thin slices of zucchini. Harry was in the closet for 2 days already, because he broke Dudleys bike. In reality it was Dudley himself who broke it, but Harry got blamed for it anyway. _

"_Mom, I want to eat what you're eating!" Dudley demanded. _

"_Sweetie, I don't think that's such a good idea, you should eat your meal first", Petunia suggested, deep inside knowing that it would be in vain._

_Dudley, not caring for his Moms words, grabbed a slice and bit down. He paused for a second. Then he vomited, straight into her face. Vernon looked up from the paper, glanced at Dudley only to see a stream of putrid vomit coming straight at him. Dudley vomited so hard that he was lifted of the chair and into the wall behind. After 3 minutes it ended and the Dursley living room would become known as the British Chernobyl._

Dudley was back in present times.

"You… you can do that?" Dudley asked, his voice no louder than a whisper.

'No, but you don't know that. Thank all the gods that exist and don't exist for the turd inside your skull', Harry nodded.

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Petunia Dursley paced up and down in front of the Hospital, a lit and half smoked cigarette in her hand. She had not smoked in 20 years, not even once, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

'Dudley, Dudley, Dudley… I even hate his name', she thought 'How did Vernon convince me to name him like that. Did he drug me? When did we choose this name, the boy was born at this hospital… Maybe there was a mix-up at birth and he is a totally unrelated child! I have to check this'.

After 20 minutes of terrorizing Nurses and Doctors she got her answer and was devastated. He was her child, no doubt about it.

'I can't do this, one person to care for all year long is enough, I am not going to do this.', was her conclusion and she started to head towards the car.

'Where to now?' raced around her mind as she started the car. 'Maybe I can go to the police and have both of them arrested, conspiracy against the state or something like that, yes that's good, very good.'

'NO! What is wrong with me?! I can't, I love them, they are my family. This is the freaks fault, he has magic, he can fix them up in no time at all, what am I doing?', were the thoughts invading her mind as she slammed on the breaks, causing an Ambulance to drift into the nearest river.

'But why would he do that, he hates us nearly as much as we hate him, he would laugh and take 2 weeks without food over fixing Vernon. There must be another way…' she thought, while the slowly decreasing volume of a drowning siren was heard in the background.

'I need to calm down and think logically, just less energy…hm, energy… that's it! With a strong enough taser I can fix Vernon easily, they use defibrillators to bring back the dead, so a taser must bring back the braindead.', she was astounded by her own brilliance.

Luckily, a very unlucky policeman saw the ambulance as it took off into the river and was now running towards it. When it came to Vernon's wellbeing, Petunia knew no boundaries, not even murder. She threw her entire weight into the gas pedal and sped off. The last thing this policeman (and also father of 3, largest donator and lifeline of a kitten and puppy shelter as well as a volunteer builder of housing for the homeless) saw, was the manic gleam inside the eyes of a desperate, some would call it insane, woman.

15 minutes later, having the body dumped alongside the wet grave of the ambulance, Petunia was standing next to her husband's bed. Taser locked and loaded, she aimed directly at the head of her drooling and utterly unresponsive husband.

"I am really sorry Darling, but there is no other way. It has to be done, I only want to help you! Please forgive me, I'm so very sorry!" Petunia spoke with a voice of absolution and total conviction of her cause. "I'm going to pull the trigger now, it won't hurt you." She pulled the trigger and the taser impacted with Vernon's forehead.

Vernon didn't breakdance, he danced to break. Every single muscle in his body did the dinosaur. The bed moonwalked. And Petunia gazed into the abyss that was Vernon's eyes. And the abyss gazed back at her. The clouds all above Britain started to rumble with the mightiest thunder to ever exist, even Thor did not dare to interfere.

The Taser stopped and so did Time.

"Vernon? Can you hear me? Please tell me that you can hear me! I love you so so much!"

"Yes Petunia, my Love, I can hear you. I can hear you."


	3. Chapter 3

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Dudley had a look on his face that Harry was entirely unfamiliar with. His eyes were open as wide as possible, pupils that tried to focus on something in the middle of them, but repeatedly failing with their task. The mouth slowly closed and opened as if trying to say something, yet undetermined if it would and unsure if to beg for mercy or if to threaten and solve the situation with the inclination of violence. It showed deep rooted fear and hatred of, for and anything to do with vegetables, a textbook trauma. It was one of the few things that truly frightened him, as he had no control over it and he couldn't order anyone to give him control.

Harry was fascinated, one of the rare moments of having total control over Dudley were such a wished for treat and it couldn't have happened at a better time. He would not let this opportunity go to waste.

"Yes Dudley, I can do that. And I will if you don't treat me with respect from now on.", Harry declared while looking directly into Dudleys eyes, which did their best to focus on his.

"No! I know that you can't do magic outside of your school. You'll get expelled, I know of the letter you got last year from your Mint registry!" Dudley spoke back to him, doing his best at pretending to be brave.

'Mint registry?... He can't even spell ministry', Harry thought, his time running thin as searched for a believable lie. Dudders had pushed his brain to its limits by now, fear and sugar did their best to help and he was far more likely to think with logic.

"Yeah, uh, Dumbledore gave me permission!" Harry said forcefully, hoping he wouldn't ask who Dumbledore was.

"What is a Dumbledore? I don't know what that is, tell me!" Dudley ordered.

"Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts and a very powerful wizard.", Harry explained, feeling his plans melting away inside his mind.

"And why would he give you permission to do magic? What's so special about you?" Dudley asked, feeling that the situation was shifting in his favor.

"He gave me permission to do that because I'm the savior of the wizarding world!", Harry answered and already prepared for the pain Dudley would soon inflict on him.

"Show me the permission!", he barked back.

Harry closed his eyes, sighed and gestured to go to his trunk while Dudley went into a position which allowed him to pick up the bat faster. As Harry walked towards the truck, he suddenly sprinted and was out through the door before Dudley had turned around. Dudley grabbed the bat and took off after him, as fast as he could. Harry ran down the staircase, opened the front door but ran the opposite direction through the kitchen door.

Dudley got so far down the stairs that he saw the front door opening and thought he knew where Harry would be going. Just as he was about to head out of the door, he heard something crash in the kitchen.

Harry had gone through the door, opted to sprint into the garden and up the tree before Dudley would notice that Harry wasn't running on the street outside the house. He wanted to take a sharp left and then right, but got only to the sharp left part before he slipped on molten ice cream and crashed into the couch, tumbled over and landed in the pile of firewood next to the fireplace. That was not good.

The bloodlust took over in Dudley. He slammed the front door closed and ran to the kitchen. After stepping inside he noticed a puddle of vanilla, M&M and Caramel Ice Cream. A battle of wills over torturing Harry and eating the divine food began.

The underaged wizard had just managed to stagger on his feet as he spotted the inhuman proportions of Dudley contemplating what was more important in his life. This was his chance to get to the garden of heathen, if he didn't, the garden of Eden was reserved for him.

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"Vernon, is it really you? Do you know who I am?", Petunia asked, as she couldn't take any chances.

Vernon turned his head to look directly at her and observed everything he saw. Her eyes were filled with tears of hope, her mouth pressed closed and she swallowed, not being able to handle the nervousness. The hands were trembling with anticipation and her entire body tensed as he spoke.

"Yes, you are my wife Petunia Dursley. You are the mother of our son Dudley and we live in Privet Drive Number 4, Little Whinging in Surrey.", he spoke with an unnerving calmness in his voice.

Petunia swallowed, her legs started to shake, her hands tensed around each other and she hugged him while sobbing in his shoulder.

Vernon put his arms around her and hugger her too, although a bit harder. Then even more and more after that.

She took her arms off him and started to push against: " Vernon….Vernon I cant brea…. Help!". She struggled and flailed her arms around, desperately searching for the remote nurse call button. Nearly blacked out she found it and pressed all the buttons on it as hard as she could.

In the hospital, 17 nurses and 8 doctors rushed to the room in which Vernon was placed, expecting the apocalypse. When someone utterly abuses the remote call, it usually meant DEFCON 1, but if the Dursleys did it, the 4 riders of the apocalypse were scared. In only the few hours the Dursleys were in the hospital, 25 personnel had a mental collapse. They were all thankful that their spawn was not with them, as it would have resulted in open warfare. In 1980, when Dudley was born, the Hospital management had 3 rooms built, their only purpose being housing the Dursleys. Those rooms were built entirely out of stainless steel and bullet-proof glass, except the bed covers. The vacuum of space could be created in an instant, chlorine gas would be pumped in to kill of any bacteria (or the Dursleys) and it could be heated up to 1000° degree Celsius to get rid of any carbon-based matter.

Seeing Petunia nearly break in half made the personnel stop, it was one of their many daydreams. One doctor that couldn't get in the door wasn't in trance and screamed so loud that all the others woke up again. He reminded them of the lawyer the Dursleys employed, who many of them suspected to be a Lord of Hell on vacation.

So they got to work, all the nurses grabbed his arms and pulled, while the doctors used all of the tools available to them, including a hidden-in-the-room sledgehammer and chainsaw. What followed was a scene even Voldemort would have screamed in terror off and ran away, noticed that the memory couldn't be obliviated, gathered and destroyed all of his horcruxes and begged Dumbledore for the sweet release of death.

Vernon soon visited the land of unconsciousness, although with a rather unconventional method and Petunia was dragged to safety, while the Doctors debated if the chlorine gas should be used.

6 liters of adrenaline were pumped into Petunia, her soul slammed back into the body and she screamed in joy, as hell was fairly unpleasant, especially how dirty and filthy it looked.

The Doctors, chiefly the one who got his ear bitten off, reconsidered their career choices and met in the cantina, which served as an impromptu war-room. The nurses who were not paralyzed joined them and came to the conclusion that the two couldn't not reside within such a close vicinity. A plan on how to get them out of the building, some suggested of the planet, was formed and would go in effect after a well-deserved break.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Harry managed to dodge the Fruit bowl Dudley threw at him as well as the baseball bat and ran into the garden. The tree was well used to Harry being on top of it, so well that it grew helpful branches on the spots Harry used most often to climb up.

Dudley knew that Ice Cream didn't run away and so he went after Harry first, at least the things he threw went after him first.

"Dudley, if you burn down the tree, the house and garden will catch fire too! Mommy will get mad at you, believe it or not, they are more important to her than you!", Harry screamed as he saw Dudley get the gasoline can for the lawnmower.

One of the few tools in the garden shed the young Dursley actually used, for example to set fire to a small stream after Piers told him of something similar he saw in a movie. But the small fire was very ambitious and wanted to stand out among the trees of the forest, so it did. Naturally Harry got the blame for that, although he was at Hogwarts while it happened.

Harrys words of dire consequences didn't stop him, as he started to pour it around the tree and into the flower bed.

Harry put the weight of a Dudley beating against the burned down house and after consideration, the beating it was. He jumped from the tree and made himself noticeable to a manic looking Dudley by ramming into him. Dudley dropped the can, which landed in the bed of his Mothers most precious flowers, causing irreparable damage.

"Get it over with.", Harry said with his eyes pressed together.

"Finally!", Dudley said and started, still with his manic grin.

Dudley slammed Harry over the head and he collided with the dirty ground. Then he boxed, kicked and sat on the lying boy's stomach until he himself got stomach ache, then he stopped and headed for the kitchen to relief his pain with Ice Cream.

In the garden, Harry was only semiconscious of his surroundings, but he noticed that the beating was shorter than usual. Dudley probably had less energy after the prolonged chase.

Still far too exhausted to stand up and walk away, he daydreamed about a Landmine in Dudleys toilet, Vernon with an unguided and starving Dragon and Petunia being crucified in her garden.

'Vernon and Petunia… what happened today?' Harry asked himself while watching the bees avoiding the gasoline-soaked spot in the garden. He would probably be blamed for that too, Life is so unfair.

After about 3 hours, according to the suns point on the sky, Harry was conscious enough to get up and go back inside. Very early on, he leaned how to read time by looking at the sun, as a pre-schooler he had to spend an always very specific amount of time in the garden working to get his food. He didn't get told how long he had been working and so learned to figure it out by himself. If he did 10 minutes longer of shorter than the amount he was ordered, he wouldn't get anything to eat.

Dudley was sitting in front of the TV and the rest of the kitchen looked like Hiroshima in 1945.

The door of the freezer was disconnected from said freezer and somehow on top of the refrigerator. The table was turned 180 degree horizontal and the sink filled with a brown and very stinky liquid. Everywhere in the room was strawberry jam, literally everywhere, no surface was not in one way or another covered with it. Everywhere. The lamps where covered in jam, Dudley was entirely covered in jam, the formerly white ceiling was now red, sticky and a few times it dripped and the entire oven was jam, it was simply jam. Dudley had overdone this time, he really went last-day-on-earth style full on out. Harry sighed, trudged through the knee-high jam to the door and went up to his room.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Petunia was tied to her bed with all the straps available in the hospital. She wasn't moving as ferociously as before, but still a danger to anyone not armored.

The nurse that lost the Rock-Paper-Scissor game was sent in to bring her the news.

"Misses Dursley, I have a few news concerning your husband. The Doctors have decided to fly him to a clinic with special neurosurgery. There he will be operated, his entire potential in terms of rage has somehow been unlocked and he has been deemed a threat to the nation, the national community of mental health fully agrees and supports the procedure. We couldn't wait for you to wake up and hear the proposition, the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom held an emergency meeting and overwrote any and all complaints you or your husband should have with that! We suspect that the taser that has been found in the room is responsible for that. As for his mental impairment, that has been cured. I can imagine that that must be good news for you." The nurse said to an eagerly listening Petunia.

Petunias first instinct was to tell and show her what happens with people that disrespect her so severely, but had found herself unable due to far to strong straps. Far more interested in how Vernon was doing, she listened instead of talked.

"And what will they be doing with him at this special clinic?" Petunia asked.

"He will receive a Lobotomy", the nurse answered, unable to hide the giant smile on her face. "It will cure his anger problem, as regular therapy was deemed unsafe for any living and even dead therapists."

Petunia was not pleased to hear that. Yet she wasn't totally against it, in the form she witnessed him before, the freak wouldn't survive the day and he was an undeniably valuable addition to the household, in terms of work and entertainment.

'The household… DUDLEY! Oh my dear God, how long has it been since I called? The house must have burnt down or exploded or… He let out the freak.', Petunia imagined Harrys in front of the burning house, laughing. A look of pure hatred formed her face.

The nurse backed out, slowly, as if not to wake the sleeping Tiger. She wondered what had happened in the head of the Dursley matriarch.

"How did it go? Did she say something? We couldn't make anything out, was she even awake?", the other nurses asked when she returned.

"She just asked what will happen with the man and after I told her, a look of pure hatred was on her face. I got scared and left the room, you have to understand that she looked ready to rip the straps apart and kill me. It was horrible", she sobbed into a comforting older nurse.

All the nurses understood. Petunia Dursley was not to ever be trifled with when it came to her husband. All the forces of nature cower in fear of her and her will. Death and Destruction would be far too nice words to describe the horrors unleashed by her.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Well, this is it, the Grande Finale of this story. I hope you liked it so far and will like this too! I can assure you that I was not under the influence of any recreational substances nor possessed by a demon while writing this chapter! Thank you to DS2010 for leaving the reviews! And now please enjoy and have fun!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe nor any characters in it, it is owned by JK Rowling and a whole lot of other companies. Sometimes I wish it wasn't.**

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Harry went up the stairs and into his room. Hedwig hooted with joy as she saw the door open and her owner come in. She watched him with great curiosity as he looked battered and beaten, while a trail of Ice Cream and Jam marked the way he took. He went over to her and patted the birds head. The owl gave low hoots of affection and enjoyed the attention. Harry then noticed the letter Hermione had written him and that he should start to develop a plan.

"I'll have to do this today. I wont clean this up. I can't clean it up, it's absolutely impossible. What do you suggest?" Harry asked Hedwig as she watched with her big yellow eyes.

The reply came in form of an inquisitive look and a beak pointing in the direction of the letter.

"Do you want me to write to Hermione?", Harry asked.

Hedwig shook her head and then looked at the picture of his parents dancing.

"My parents? Hedwig, my parents are dead, you know that."

Hedwig hooted. She knew that they were and also that the Dursleys only kept him as a slave and entertainment device. The owl wanted Harry to write a letter to the Dursley dictators, a threat and a few demands being its content. Knowing that they were gone and only Dudley remained, two hostages were at her owner's fingertips. Dudley and the house. Just how could she communicate this to him?

"What do you want me to do, Hedwig?", asked Harry as he watched his pet jump on the parchment and pick the quill up with her beak.

"I suppose you want me to write a letter and I have to guess names until you agree?" Harry asked to which Hedwig hooted and nodded her ridiculously flexible head.

"Ron?" … "Hermione?" … "Any Weasley?" … "Someone from School?" … "The escaped mass murderer?", to which she just looked very confused and shook her head. "The Minister for Magic?" … "Anyone not living in this house?" … "Vernon? Petunia?", Hedwig nodded.

"Are you alright, girl? Did you eat something rotten? Scabbers? Please tell me you didn't eat him, Ron will push me in front of the Hogwarts express if you did! Although the thing is disgusting, even for a rat… I don't know why Ron keeps it and doesn't trade with Hagrid for one of his pets, would probably be beneficial for both, he could appease everything in the forest with it, I bet." Harry drifted off while Hedwig rolled her eyes.

"HOOT!", Hedwig screeched which caused Harry to become close associates with the floor.

"But what do you want me to write to them? I don't suppose a Love Letter, I do doubt that they will believe that…", Harry pondered and wondered. " Shall we do the guessing game again?"

Hedwig wanted to poop on his head. After many trials and even more errors Harry finally came to understand her plan. He was not thoroughly in favor of it and played with the idea to send Hedwig to the mass murderer, ask him to attach a letter bomb to Hedwig and send her off to his relatives, but doubted Hedwigs compliance.

_Dear Vernon and Petunia_

_I have, after many struggles, successfully captured Dudley and Fortress Dursley. To ever see both of them alive and well again, you must accept all of my demands without compromises that would benefit you. I do not negotiate with terrorists. If you are willing to do so, sign your names on this paper, attach it to Hedwig and send it back to me, she will know where I am. Should you choose to involve law enforcement or any other state services, everything you hold dear will burn. This is not a threat, it is a fact._

_Love, Harry_

He attached the letter to Hedwig's ankle and she was off on her merry way. Feeling strangely energetic, he went to see how well his stash of "Hellfire" was doing. Over the years, he snuck away matches out of their boxes, only a few at a time and collected the potassium chlorate on the match head. When Vernon had his grill parties in the backyard, Harry was of course the cook, he also took a few pieces of charcoal with him, grinded them into pulverized form and mixed it with the other ingredients. At present, he had about 700 grams of the substance. Its original purpose was to set the house on fire when he left them for good, but now was an opportunity he didn't want to lose. Paired with the gasoline in Vernon's car and a decline of the demands, the Dursley were doomed.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Conan, what is best in life?"

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women!"

'But what about Ice Cream?', Dudley thought and was quite frankly shocked, in his mind there were no better things than Ice Cream and everyone denying this was nothing but a filthy liar, freak and only slightly better than Harry. Only his worldview was right and every other was wrong, that's what made him so special and not like the little freak that Harry was.

He picked up a jam-covered TV remote and threw it at the jam-covered screen, which then broke. Then he got angry that the screen didn't work and swore revenge on Harry. Failing to keep his attention on the dead god of the living room and the heathen who supposedly killed him, he got up and noticed an unnatural amount of jam in the living room. Unable to move his feet through the World War 1 trench conditions of the living room, he started to do what he did best, he began to eat the jam. It tasted very good, but Dudley wished that he had bread and butter to go with it.

The way Dudley looked would best be described as a humanoid vacuum cleaner that was powered by an internal black hole. He moved on all fours, everything in front of him that wasn't nailed and welded down got sucked in, no mercy was shown to the weak and unlucky. The things fortunate enough to survive the extinction event couldn't bare to witness the death of all their companions and developed a very severe depression.

The houses toilet had had so much literal contact with the Dursley family, that it had developed semi-consciousness. It could feel when it would be feeding time and now it was ecstatic, unable to remember a happier feeling in its "life". The rats of the sewer, well remembering "The Rape of Plumbing", were feeling also feeling it. Too many of them were unable to live through such horrors again and took the easier way out. A mass suicide by drowning took place, causing dire consequences for the sewer system. Soon it would lead to a declaration of a national emergency and the entirety of Southern England would be placed under quarantine.

After Dudley had finished, he was still feeling hungry, but there were no more foods left to devour and so he wept. Trying to eat the floor was no good, it tasted overwhelmingly like dog poop, something he ate 3 times and was not a big fan of.

Leaving an overwhelming presence of destruction in his wake, he made his way up to the bathroom, where he could swear that he saw the toilet lid open on its own. Infernal, ear shattering noises were heard all the way up to London for the next 45 minutes. It caused 18 planes to drop from the sky as the many fart-frequencies were interrupting the communication between the tower and planes.

All on the streets people with "The end is nigh!" and "Judgement Day has come!" cardboard shields could be seen, praising all the gods they believed in and pleading to be forgiven their many sins. The British Armed Forces got the order to prepare for an immediate attack, but no one could figure out from where it came. Some suspected the Nazis to attack from their much-rumored moon base, others thought the Soviets from their undersea base would be the ones and others again thought of mutated Vikings and French Super-soldiers.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Petunia and Vernon were sitting inside the car, watching the hospital burning down in front of them.

Hedwig, traumatized from nearly being sucked in a jet turbine from a falling plane, landed in front of the windshield after pooping on it.

"Not that RUDDY BIRD!", Vernon screamed after 3 seconds, his brain was a bit slower since the specialists cut out the wrong part. It left his anger potential at about one percent of the pre heart attack level, but that was still fifty percent higher than the average person. The clinic they sent Vernon to, claimed to never have seen a brain like his, as it was dangerously small, except for the parts that caused the anger, those were of Himalayan proportions. The operation was not easy, as even in deep unconsciousness, Vernon managed to break 3 arms and 1 skull.

Petunia got out of the car and picked the little piece of paper of the owl's leg. She read it, looked up, looked down and read it again. After that, she started to leash out at the bird, which narrowly escaped and flew high up in the air. She unleashed the stored ammunition for exactly the thing that just had happened, as was anticipated, causing about 500 little turds to rain down on Petunia. She in turn ripped the parchment apart into tiny pieces. Hedwig knew what that meant and she was more than pleased with it. Leaving a Petunia and Dursley family car that both looked like they had caught a form of bubonic plague behind, Hedwig made her way back to her owner.

After seeing hundreds upon hundreds of people fighting over who the one true god was, while the military built road blocks and deployed ICBMs with nuclear warheads, she perched herself down on the familiar window shelf of Harrys room. The inhabitant of said room was lying on the floor, unresponsive to her methods of persuasion.

Harry had been closest to ground zero as it happened. He was thrown against the wall and had nearly died on impact, were it not for accidental magic protecting him.

Hedwig proceeded to dive-bomb into him and was, after a few dozen attempts, successful in waking him up from his deep slumber. Sadly, it was all in vain, as she noticed the blood-splattered and battered looking Dursley car pull into the driveway. Vernon, looking like he could cosplay as a living tomato without any make-up and Petunia, who managed to fix red laser-dots on the heads of the protestors that dared to look at her, got out of the car and started to head for the front door.

Dudley, unable to feel his legs, crawled down from the remains of the semi-conscious toilet and used his last strength to head for the front door of the house, he needed fresh air, the gas chamber that was the bathroom could not ever be used again. The international scientific community would soon be debating if it should be seen as an accurate representation of the conditions on the gas-planet Saturn, but the demise of all the testing personnel sent in to measure the relevant data, as well as the destruction of all equipment ended it fairly quickly.

Just as Dudley was in front of the door, a new Big Bang happened. It happened inside of him, his digestive tract accelerated his body to Mach-speed in a fraction of a microsecond. Vernon and Petunia couldn't have seen it coming. Their son burst through the front wall, took them along with him and they came to a halt inside Ms. Figgs house.

Their lives were saved by a bunch of protesters they picked up as they flew over the street, the lives of the protesters were not saved by the wall of the house. Ms. Figg was fairly unamused, as she saw them crash through the front wall as she was enjoying her tea. Neither were her cats very entertained, they all rather enjoyed sleeping. Yet sleeping was near impossible, death and destruction usually causes a bit of this pesky, loud thing called noise.

The Dursleys got up, told their apologies to an unimpressed Ms. Figg and pledged to make it up to her, for the sake of neighborhood peace. She didn't really believe it, as the only somewhat sane member of Privet Drive Number 4 was Harry Potter, he was also the only one she could stand.

Harry saw what had happened through his window and was now frantically trying to build an incendiary grenade from the resources available to him. Hedwig used her aerial superiority to attack the crusading Dursleys, yet they seemed unimpressed by anything the owl did. Harry saw that he didn't have enough time nor the right tools to build his weapon, so a new plan of attack was made. Kamikaze. He would charge with all the makeshift armor available to him and try to inflict as much damage as possible. It was his only chance and maybe, just maybe, he would survive and live to tell the tale to his children with names that wouldn't make them suicidal.

Pillow and Dudleys spiked whip as shield and weapon, he charged. Vernon punched through the pillow and Harry slammed through the wall, where he was left unconscious, unintended magic had saved his life once again. Vernon, Petunia and Dudley were not kind, but they didn't kill him. For fear of magical retribution and Petunias reasoning that he had to clean the place up.

Harry lived, or more accurately, survived. He cleaned the entire house, the entire street and pretty much the rest of England. Within a week he was done, Marge and her pet demon were the next challenge he had to master. Everyone in the country celebrated for there was no war and the attack was just a case of bad digestion. Everything was alright again.

THE END.


	5. Alternative Ending

Just as Dudley was in front of the door, a new Big Bang happened.

It happened inside of him, the gas leaving his digestive tract accelerated his body to Mach speed in a fraction of a microsecond, Vernon and Petunia couldn't have seen it coming.

Dudley's deadly outburst lifted the house out of its foundation and gave it the ability to fly on its own. Alongside the Dursley residence, Harry and Hedwig were also accelerating to near light speed and the entirety of them flew to Hawaii. Through the enormous force that came out of Dudley, the British Isles were pushed into Europe, causing the northern part of France and the Benelux countries to be crushed beneath its mass. Furthermore, a new Mountain chain through Germany and Scandinavia formed, while the highest mountain in the world ascended in the Alps.

Ireland was sent off towards America, causing a massive deluge to be sent off towards South America and it was entirely flooded, save the highest peaks of the Andes. Ireland crashed into the northwestern United States, yet the speed did not stop at impact and it drifted further, emptying the Great Lakes and completely obliterating the Midwest, until it was halted by the Rocky Mountains of Vancouver and Montana. Petunia and Vernon were caught by the flying Dudley and he carried them until the curvature of the earth caught their projectile-like form, but it did not end and the unstoppable force pushed them quickly and easily through the mantle and further into the molten core.

The Planet itself lost the precious, billions of years old and well kept balance and went on a crash curse with Neptune. Nobody survived this event and the only ever found remnant of humanity and the life on earth was a lonely satellite drifting through deep space.

THE END

* * *

**A/N: This was the first ending I wrote for the story, but decided to go with the other one. Recently found it and decided to throw it out for fun, I hope you enjoy! **

**I happen to not own Harry Potter, just thought you might want to know.**


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